Photo by Chris Ainsworth on Unsplash
She started the assessment by saying, “My husband was a very supportive and caring person.
Two years ago, my husband started with personality changes. He started blaming me for everything. We used to discuss all our problems together and support each other in the past. During this time, he began presenting major changes.
He withdrew himself from me.
He would talk to his son, daughter, and sister about all the frustrations he was experiencing. He started blaming me regarding the finances. He promised to do certain assignments, and then he would withdraw and not do them. He would discuss personal issues in our marriage to the family. He just started withdrawing himself from everybody and would just be on the internet the whole day. If I asked him what he was reading, he could only highlight one part of a story but would be on the internet the entire day.
When people came, he would be able to discuss things that happened in the past clearly.
The family could not understand why I complained about his dementia and that he was cognitively challenged. They kept on saying it was not true. My daughter would get aggressive and say I imagine things that did not exist.
“Currently, I feel there must be something wrong with me. I started going in this vicious circle of rejection. Physically I cannot cope with the situation. I have been admitted to hospital twice this year.”
I could not visit or go to functions because people would ask me where my husband was, and I had to make excuses for him. Socially I was very uncomfortable.
Emotionally I was in this vicious circle that was pulling me down, and I had nothing to live for. I experienced that people thought I am living a lie about my husband.”
She went on to tell me that suddenly she realised that she was in a marriage, but she was alone.
Daily she was working very hard to make financial ends meet.
She then severely started sobbing; I offered her a glass of cold water. She pulled herself together and told me the worst thing was that the family went into denial and said nothing was wrong with him.
Her daughter scolded her and told her how bad she was working with her father, and that she was the one causing all the trouble.The more she tried to explain the situation to her daughter the more her daughter scolded her.
Her family confirmed that there is nothing wrong with him. He remembers things from the past so well that his memory is better than theirs.
They also told her that she was unreasonable.
She told me that she had nobody to rely on, how she was going through this crisis, and that something was wrong with her. That thought she was developing a psychosis.
I realised that this woman, as the primary caregiver, was going through all these emotions and stress. Except for the psychiatrist, she had nobody to verify that the situation was real and nobody to ask her, “how can I help?”. It was as if everybody was defending him from his wife. She had nobody to talk to.
When people would see him, they would see the normal side of him.
She was in grief because the man she loved was not the person she knew. The person that supported her had changed. The person who loved her unconditionally had changed. The person whom she could discuss her deepest secrets with was no more.
Meanwhile, the family was experiencing her as unreasonable, and she was experiencing the worst form of rejection. Within the family setup, she was being pushed aside, and everybody was protecting him. At times she experienced herself as being an outcast. Suddenly she had to take full responsibility to ensure that money was coming in. She was physically, mentally, and socially isolated in a cocoon of a situation which she could not carry alone.
I felt deeply sorry for Jacqui as I listened to her story and allowed her to ventilate before starting with an action plan to solve the problem of her situation.
We made an appointment the next day.
What do you do when everybody goes in denial, and the Primary Caregiver has to handle the whole problem herself?
Systematically we took the problem together and started a plan of action.
When you are the Primary Caregiver, the first thing you must do is take care of yourself. When you are in a storm, stop and talk to a professional to assist you in systematically addressing the problem.
The next day, we did a thorough assessment, worked out an action plan to address the problem, and started putting it into action.
Three weeks later, Jacqui smiled and experienced a better quality of life, having a purpose in life for herself and improving interpersonal relationships.
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